Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Lord's Timing

I have posted so many times about the sorrows of our infertility struggles.

They have been difficult and painful to go through.  So difficult in fact I had to take a break.  I needed time to breathe and recover. It got to a point that I didn't think I could take anymore.  I had spent countless hours in tears, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me understand.  Jason and I decided it was time to take a break and not put so much pressure on us and this experience.  
I have had many wonderful priesthood holders in my life give me blessings to help strengthen me.  Every time I would hear from Heavenly Father that we would be blessed with children, that I would bear children.  My patriarchal blessing speaks of the children I am meant to have.  Many times I have questioned these words.  Sometimes, (I am ashamed to say), even during the blessings.  I would think to myself, why promise something you aren't going to deliver on?  To be totally honest there were many times I had a true crisis of faith.  I questioned Heavenly Father and His promises.  I questioned if anything He had ever promised me was true.  Jason, bless his heart, tried to be strong and really keep the gospel at the center of our lives.  He would give me a blessing and I would end up in tears and angry with the Lord.  I am not proud of this weakness, but I have to be honest about how hard it really got for a while.

Around Christmas 2013, I really hit bottom.  I remember sitting in my parent's front room sobbing.  That was my lowest low.  I wasn't sure I could handle more of this.  To clarify what I mean by "this", I mean I was not getting pregnant.  And not one doctor could tell me why.  I mean they had diagnosed me with Prolactinoma.  (Which is a tumor on the pituitary gland.  It is not cancerous and not life threatening but can affect ovulation and timing of getting pregnant.)  All I would get in return was, "This should have worked, I have no idea why it didn't!"  I was struggling with the open endedness of it all.  On the one hand, Heavenly Father was telling me I would be a mother, and on the other, I was seeing NO results and getting NO explanations.  It was all too much.  I sat in that front room yelling at my parents, (at the world really), that all I wanted was an answer.  Either for us to get pregnant or for us to get closure.  I was at a point I was really willing to accept that we couldn't get pregnant.  I really was.  I just needed an answer.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  My sweet parents did their best to help.  I know it killed them to see me hurt like that.  I can only imagine, and yet there was nothing they could say or do.  Jason tried to be a strength as much as he could.  I was so broken, I was so deep into my sadness they all had no idea how to help.  It was a dark and scary time.  I apologize if this is a little to open but this is just the truth.

A few months later for some strange reason I felt prompted to ask around about a new OB.  I had been to quite a few, and just like the others Dr. Quinn just gave up.  I knew in my heart that this could be solved, I just needed a Dr. who cared enough to really try.  So one day I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a new Dr.  Quite a few of my wonderful friends gave me great recommendations but for some reason one stood out.  A family member of mine, Ellen, mentioned that she really loved her doctor.  I decided this was the one I was going to try.  Dr. Daniels.  I knew nothing about him other than that Ellen really liked him and that was it.  For some reason I felt ready to take this on again.  Looking back I have no idea what motivated me.  It wasn't that long before that I was so low and sad.  What made me want to subject myself to this again?  I had nothing to lead me to believe it would work, and would be a more uplifting experience...I just went.  Not much thought went into it, if I am very honest.

Jason and I went, in May.  We went to this tiny office in Salt Lake and sat in the waiting room.  Sitting there it finally hit me, what was I doing?  Why was I here?  I don't want to go through this again!  I don't want to hear those terrible words, "I have no idea..."! I don't want to build up my hope only to be gutted again.  Why am I here?  I may have had a minor panic attack in that waiting room. Haha  We waited at most 10 minutes but it felt like an hour of debating if I should run away or if I should act like an adult and just get through the appointment.  I finally convinced myself to go through with it.  Telling myself, you don't have to do this, just meet with him and then decide.  So we went in.  Dr. Daniels came in the room. He took one look at my chart and said, "You don't have prolactinoma. There is no evidence here to support that diagnoses.
I am almost positive you have PCOS."

Jason and I were stunned.  10 years of doctor after doctor, test after test, and failure after failure.  We had been in his office in for all of 5 minutes, we had learned more in 5 minutes than we had in 10 years.  He explained to us that there was much more thorough testing those previous doctors should have done.  He said that it was impossible to diagnose me with prolactinoma without at least more blood tests and ideally an MRI.  None of that had been done.  All these years I had trusted that each "Medical Professional" had done their job.  They hadn't.  They had simply accepted a previous diagnoses from the first doctor, who was lazy to say the least.  Not one of them questioned or followed through.  That moment is frozen in my mind, I was so angry.  But a thought came to my mind, I could either be really angry and bitter, or I could choose to be happy that we had FINALLY found a competent doctor.  I chose in that moment to accept the past and be happy for the hope.  And somehow I have been very blessed to not be burdened by that pain.
Dr. Daniels, then informed us that there was a simple, (his words), solution to this problem.  He would put me back on fertility medication, this time Fermara.  Coupled with Metformin.  That would be the magic.

When we left we were not sure what to think really.  I did my usual, talking myself down.  This wouldn't work.  It was sweet that he was so positive but this would go as it always had.  I would take the medication, get my hopes up really high, only to be devastated.  So I got the medicine and put it out of my mind.  I didn't really follow "protocol" (to put it lightly lol) the first month.  Then I found out it had worked, no pregnancy but I had ovulated.  A huge victory!  I had never responded to any medicine before.  I realized I should take this a little more seriously than I had.
The next month came and I allowed myself to believe just a little bit.  But eventually put it out of my mind, just to keep sane.  August came and no cycle.  So I thought it didn't work, at no point did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.  That was impossible.

After a few days I caved and took a test.  There was two lines!!!!! I sat shocked.  There was no way!  I called one of my best friends, Andrea Johns, and said there are two lines.  I don't even think I said hello.  I asked her what that meant!  I knew exactly what that meant but I needed to hear it from someone else. She of course told me, "Your PREGNANT!!!"  I sat there thinking, NO WAY!  So I hung up with her and preceded to take about 7 more tests.  Anyone who has done fertility treatments knows you have a hundred of those on hand at all times. They all came back positive!  I still didn't believe it.

I decided to text Jason a picture of the tests.  He couldn't believe it either.  I made him take me to Target and we bought the digital ones.  I knew that these would come back negative and all would go back to normal.  But again they all came back positive!  I could not wrap my head around this! I called the doctor and made an appointment because there was no way this was true.  I probably took about 25 tests every few days just to be sure it was still true.
When we finally got to our first doctor's appointment, Dr. Daniels did an ultrasound for me.  My heart stopped as we saw our little boy for the first time.  He was there, his heart was beating, this was real!  This time I finally got to shed tears of joy!

I wanted to share this experience, I wanted to record it.  I am now 17 weeks along and our sweet little boy is growing strong and healthy. I literally never thought I would get to hear my child's heart beat or feel their kicks, but here I am hearing the heart beat.  The movement will come soon.  The Lord has truly blessed us.  I had many, many, many, times of questioning His timing.  I questioned Heavenly Father and His love for me.  I wondered if He knew of my pain, or just didn't care.  I know now that He was there all along.  He had every intention of honoring what He had promised.  Even through my doubts and ultimatums, He loved me and cared about my pain.  I have learned so much in this trial.  I may never understand why it had to almost 10 years, but I don't know if it matters anymore.  This all came to be in His timing.  We are so grateful to the Lord and would do it over a hundred times, just to bring our little boy here. Thank you to those who heard my tears and are sharing in our joy!  We are so happy to have this sweet time in our lives and to share it with all of you. 
Our little miracle will join our family in April!

1 comment:

  1. this is beautiful! i don't care what anyone says, i love your honesty! you guys will be amazing parents... congratulations!!