Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Lord's Timing

I have posted so many times about the sorrows of our infertility struggles.

They have been difficult and painful to go through.  So difficult in fact I had to take a break.  I needed time to breathe and recover. It got to a point that I didn't think I could take anymore.  I had spent countless hours in tears, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me understand.  Jason and I decided it was time to take a break and not put so much pressure on us and this experience.  
I have had many wonderful priesthood holders in my life give me blessings to help strengthen me.  Every time I would hear from Heavenly Father that we would be blessed with children, that I would bear children.  My patriarchal blessing speaks of the children I am meant to have.  Many times I have questioned these words.  Sometimes, (I am ashamed to say), even during the blessings.  I would think to myself, why promise something you aren't going to deliver on?  To be totally honest there were many times I had a true crisis of faith.  I questioned Heavenly Father and His promises.  I questioned if anything He had ever promised me was true.  Jason, bless his heart, tried to be strong and really keep the gospel at the center of our lives.  He would give me a blessing and I would end up in tears and angry with the Lord.  I am not proud of this weakness, but I have to be honest about how hard it really got for a while.

Around Christmas 2013, I really hit bottom.  I remember sitting in my parent's front room sobbing.  That was my lowest low.  I wasn't sure I could handle more of this.  To clarify what I mean by "this", I mean I was not getting pregnant.  And not one doctor could tell me why.  I mean they had diagnosed me with Prolactinoma.  (Which is a tumor on the pituitary gland.  It is not cancerous and not life threatening but can affect ovulation and timing of getting pregnant.)  All I would get in return was, "This should have worked, I have no idea why it didn't!"  I was struggling with the open endedness of it all.  On the one hand, Heavenly Father was telling me I would be a mother, and on the other, I was seeing NO results and getting NO explanations.  It was all too much.  I sat in that front room yelling at my parents, (at the world really), that all I wanted was an answer.  Either for us to get pregnant or for us to get closure.  I was at a point I was really willing to accept that we couldn't get pregnant.  I really was.  I just needed an answer.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  My sweet parents did their best to help.  I know it killed them to see me hurt like that.  I can only imagine, and yet there was nothing they could say or do.  Jason tried to be a strength as much as he could.  I was so broken, I was so deep into my sadness they all had no idea how to help.  It was a dark and scary time.  I apologize if this is a little to open but this is just the truth.

A few months later for some strange reason I felt prompted to ask around about a new OB.  I had been to quite a few, and just like the others Dr. Quinn just gave up.  I knew in my heart that this could be solved, I just needed a Dr. who cared enough to really try.  So one day I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a new Dr.  Quite a few of my wonderful friends gave me great recommendations but for some reason one stood out.  A family member of mine, Ellen, mentioned that she really loved her doctor.  I decided this was the one I was going to try.  Dr. Daniels.  I knew nothing about him other than that Ellen really liked him and that was it.  For some reason I felt ready to take this on again.  Looking back I have no idea what motivated me.  It wasn't that long before that I was so low and sad.  What made me want to subject myself to this again?  I had nothing to lead me to believe it would work, and would be a more uplifting experience...I just went.  Not much thought went into it, if I am very honest.

Jason and I went, in May.  We went to this tiny office in Salt Lake and sat in the waiting room.  Sitting there it finally hit me, what was I doing?  Why was I here?  I don't want to go through this again!  I don't want to hear those terrible words, "I have no idea..."! I don't want to build up my hope only to be gutted again.  Why am I here?  I may have had a minor panic attack in that waiting room. Haha  We waited at most 10 minutes but it felt like an hour of debating if I should run away or if I should act like an adult and just get through the appointment.  I finally convinced myself to go through with it.  Telling myself, you don't have to do this, just meet with him and then decide.  So we went in.  Dr. Daniels came in the room. He took one look at my chart and said, "You don't have prolactinoma. There is no evidence here to support that diagnoses.
I am almost positive you have PCOS."

Jason and I were stunned.  10 years of doctor after doctor, test after test, and failure after failure.  We had been in his office in for all of 5 minutes, we had learned more in 5 minutes than we had in 10 years.  He explained to us that there was much more thorough testing those previous doctors should have done.  He said that it was impossible to diagnose me with prolactinoma without at least more blood tests and ideally an MRI.  None of that had been done.  All these years I had trusted that each "Medical Professional" had done their job.  They hadn't.  They had simply accepted a previous diagnoses from the first doctor, who was lazy to say the least.  Not one of them questioned or followed through.  That moment is frozen in my mind, I was so angry.  But a thought came to my mind, I could either be really angry and bitter, or I could choose to be happy that we had FINALLY found a competent doctor.  I chose in that moment to accept the past and be happy for the hope.  And somehow I have been very blessed to not be burdened by that pain.
Dr. Daniels, then informed us that there was a simple, (his words), solution to this problem.  He would put me back on fertility medication, this time Fermara.  Coupled with Metformin.  That would be the magic.

When we left we were not sure what to think really.  I did my usual, talking myself down.  This wouldn't work.  It was sweet that he was so positive but this would go as it always had.  I would take the medication, get my hopes up really high, only to be devastated.  So I got the medicine and put it out of my mind.  I didn't really follow "protocol" (to put it lightly lol) the first month.  Then I found out it had worked, no pregnancy but I had ovulated.  A huge victory!  I had never responded to any medicine before.  I realized I should take this a little more seriously than I had.
The next month came and I allowed myself to believe just a little bit.  But eventually put it out of my mind, just to keep sane.  August came and no cycle.  So I thought it didn't work, at no point did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.  That was impossible.

After a few days I caved and took a test.  There was two lines!!!!! I sat shocked.  There was no way!  I called one of my best friends, Andrea Johns, and said there are two lines.  I don't even think I said hello.  I asked her what that meant!  I knew exactly what that meant but I needed to hear it from someone else. She of course told me, "Your PREGNANT!!!"  I sat there thinking, NO WAY!  So I hung up with her and preceded to take about 7 more tests.  Anyone who has done fertility treatments knows you have a hundred of those on hand at all times. They all came back positive!  I still didn't believe it.

I decided to text Jason a picture of the tests.  He couldn't believe it either.  I made him take me to Target and we bought the digital ones.  I knew that these would come back negative and all would go back to normal.  But again they all came back positive!  I could not wrap my head around this! I called the doctor and made an appointment because there was no way this was true.  I probably took about 25 tests every few days just to be sure it was still true.
When we finally got to our first doctor's appointment, Dr. Daniels did an ultrasound for me.  My heart stopped as we saw our little boy for the first time.  He was there, his heart was beating, this was real!  This time I finally got to shed tears of joy!

I wanted to share this experience, I wanted to record it.  I am now 17 weeks along and our sweet little boy is growing strong and healthy. I literally never thought I would get to hear my child's heart beat or feel their kicks, but here I am hearing the heart beat.  The movement will come soon.  The Lord has truly blessed us.  I had many, many, many, times of questioning His timing.  I questioned Heavenly Father and His love for me.  I wondered if He knew of my pain, or just didn't care.  I know now that He was there all along.  He had every intention of honoring what He had promised.  Even through my doubts and ultimatums, He loved me and cared about my pain.  I have learned so much in this trial.  I may never understand why it had to almost 10 years, but I don't know if it matters anymore.  This all came to be in His timing.  We are so grateful to the Lord and would do it over a hundred times, just to bring our little boy here. Thank you to those who heard my tears and are sharing in our joy!  We are so happy to have this sweet time in our lives and to share it with all of you. 
Our little miracle will join our family in April!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

It has been a really long time since I have posted, and in truth I don't know if anyone is even reading this but here I am anyway. 2011 has been very trying, but eye opening.
Jason and I have been married almost 7 years and still we have no children. I am not sure how many of you know this but we have been doing fertility medicine this year. As we prepared to do this we knew it would be difficult. We knew the mental and emotional toll would be enormous, but boy did we underestimate it. I have been a hormonal, emotional wreck for well over six months. But the most difficult part has been getting the negative test results. Nothing can prepare you for the build up of hope, the hearing the word, "negative", suck the wind out of your sails. I have struggled to understand why. We want children, we want a family and yet it is so difficult. And worse still there are so many who don't want, or love their children out there who have no trouble just popping them out. I have struggled to find enough faith to stay strong, and push through the trials.
We have been truly blessed by the friends and family who have stuck by our side. You all have listened to countless hours of crying and sorrow. We cannot put into words what that has meant to us. We have seen who is truly there for us and we are very blessed by how many friends and family that has turned out to be. We love you all and thank you deeply for your support.
I hope everyone understands my need to open up about how our year has been. We have been through quite a lot, but have also learned a lot. Through the hardest trials of our lives, we have had our eyes opened to our greatest blessings. We have seen the Lord's hands in our lives and are so grateful to have the gospel to help guide us through. We are prayerfully weighing out our options of what to do next. But we know we have the Lord on our side, and we know we have wonderful love and support from our family and friends.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Newly Sharpened Pencils and Hard Work

The new school year has started! I went shopping with my mom and little brother for his new school supplies. He is in 9th grade now, he was picking out his notebooks, pencils and backpack. Now to him school starting is a death sentence. I remember feeling that way. Summer was over and so was my fun.

Oh my how my attitude has changed. I was SO jealous that he got to get new pencils, notebooks and supplies. I am so jealous that he has school for free and gets to go learn all day. I miss it so much. I miss having papers to write, tests to study for and books to read. I miss taking notes on a lecture and that feeling you get when you finally catch on to that math principle your teacher has been talking about for days. I miss having a book to read and then report on. I miss having homework and having to study.

I watch my husband, who is working so hard for us, do his school work and I am so fascinated by his classes. I want to know what he is learning and discussing in his classes. I want to help, (even though I have NO clue how to help).

But the real reason I wanted to post was to tell my sweet Jason how much I appreciate what he is doing for us. He works so hard every night on his school work, after working 8 hour work days. To me there is no better way to create a good stable future for us than an education. I am so blessed to have a husband who is willing to work so hard to provide and to plan for our future. I want to thank him and make sure he knows all of his hard work does not go unnoticed. Jason, I am so proud of you and I love you so much. I know he doesn't always understand my jealousy but he is so sweet to talk to me about school and let me help when I can. I love you Jason!!!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Catch Up.....

I am horrible at keeping up on blogging, but I am trying to get better. To tell the truth there is not that much to tell, lol.

This summer is going by so fast. I used to never understand why my parents said time went by so fast but the older I get the faster it moves. We have not done a whole lot but the few things we have done have been a lot of fun.

We recently went to the Schauerhamer family reunion. The first day we went to Seven Peaks, and to be totally honest Jason and I were not sure how excited we were for that part, except that we knew our nieces and nephews would be really fun. So we went and it was really actually a great day. We had a lot of fun seeing people we had not seen for years and catching up. It was really fun to see everyone have fun. Like seeing Aunt Joyce going on one of the water slides. Well to be honest, hearing her then seeing her. She had a blast, it was like she was a kid again. It was a very hot day and the water was a nice way to stay cool.

We spent most of the day with Stacy and her family. Kayla was a lot of fun, she would not go near the mushrooms in the kiddie pool that sprayed water, but the waves in the wave pool did not seem to phase her. Although they did knock her over, she is so tiny. Then David and his kids came and we spent some time with them. Eliza was so funny because she has no idea she can't swim. Even when she went under the water she was so mad that you would grab her and save her. Degory and his imagination is always so much fun. I love that he lets me be a part of his fun world. I am lucky to be his aunt.

The next day we went to a park in Provo Canyon. Jason and I had managed not to get sunburned at Seven Peaks at all, I was so proud of us. I mostly spent the day in the shade next to Courtney, the kids, and whoever else came to visit in the shade. I finally go to meet Jason's cousins, Shane, Shawn and Troy. He has told me so much about them and he really thinks a lot of them so it was fun to put faces to the names. We had a really fun time getting reacquainted with a lot of Jason's Schauerhamer side.

On July 3rd, we finally made a trip up to Evanston. We used to be so good at visiting but we have kind of faltered lately. We went on a hike to Mount Baldy (I think that's what it is called). It was a fun hike but a difficult one. The view was amazing and we really enjoyed seeing all the lakes from up there. We watched Degory and Eliza do sparklers and that was really fun. Eliza really got into swinging those sparklers in circles.

On the 4th we got to visit my family. I really enjoy talking to my parents, they are so much fun to be around. Then we went to Jason's parents for dinner and almost everybody was there. It was a lot of fun to listen to Jason, David and Jared tell us about growing up together. It was funny and informative. We did some sparkler with Kayla and Nathaniel and then Stacy, Jason, Danette, and I did some more.

We are very lucky to be able to see our families so much. I love that we are close both of our families. They are so much fun and so loving. We had a lot of fun at David and Liberty's they are so welcoming and I always love spending time with them, as soon as I leave I am planning my next visit. (I don't know how they feel about that, lol). LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


One of my friends, (thanks Erin), did this on her blog. I have had a bad attitude lately because of so many trials in my life. I think I too easily get caught up with what is wrong in my life and I too think its time for me to count my blessings.

1. A wonderful Husband who tries endlessly to make me happy. I am not an easy person to deal with and Jason is truly a wonderful blessing. Love you!

2. A great family that I always have a blast with. My family is endless laughs and I can't tell you guys enough how much I love you guys!

3. Neices and Nephews who are so loving and amazing. I love the imaginations they have and that they let me play with them and be a kid again for a little bit.

4. In-laws that are so loving and welcoming. I am lucky to have married into such a wonderful family. I have so much fun with all of you and want to thank you all for making me feel like I belong. (and your patience with me while I grow up)

5. Our new apartment. It's taking awhile but it is slowly becoming a home, we are lucky to have it.

6. Jason's job. With this economy and through my job search I am learning how truly truly blessed we are for Jason's job and the stability it gives us.

7. Incredible friends. When all else is wrong in my life I have loving friends who take the time to let me know they are there for me. They make sure I know I am loved, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have them.

8. A car. With all my parents troubles with cars lately and even our recent car adventure, I realized I am blessed to have a car to rely on.

9. The Gospel. When I look at these celebrities who have so much money and get the world at their fingertips I get jealous for a second then I think even that is not worth trading the gospel for. I am grateful to have been lucky enough to be born where I was, when I was, and Because of that I get to know that I am a daughter of God, and be married to the love of my life for eternity.

10. Siblings, who though we test our limits, are more than just siblings, they are my best friends. I look forward to my time with them. I am a lucky girl to have hilarious, and compassionate siblings. You guys are awesome.

11. This country. Watching the news you hear so many awful things going on and I get to live here, where my biggest complaint is that congress is too partisan, (I have bigger ones, but you get my point.) I get to speak my mind and vote and have the right to be involved in the process of our country becoming what it is.

12. Financial Aid, though we will have to pay it back, Jason gets to go to school and set up our future. We could not do it on our own.

13. The ability to choose what I will be when I grow up. There a many women in this world who dont have the chances or options I do.

14. The Atonement. What a blessing it is to know we can change and be better than before. I am so grateful for that. I have used that blessing more times than I care to share but I am so glad to know that even if no one else realizes how much I have changed or grown that My Savior will know and bless me for it.

15. Marriage. I am so grateful that I get to be tied to my best friend for the rest of my life and onto my eternity. I am blessed to have been chosen by such an amazing man and by someone that is so patient.

With everything going on lately I have gotten swept away in the negative and I need to open my eyes and see how much the Lord has given me. I am so blessed.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

5 Years And Counting

January 14th was our 5th year anniversary of our wedding. Wow it goes by so fast. I cannot believe I can say I have been married that long.

First, I want to say how much I love my husband. He is my best friend and I cannot express how blessed I am that I have him in my life. Jason is so caring and sweet and patient. He has helped me become a better woman. We have endured MANY MANY challenges together and I am so grateful to have had such a wonderful rock on my side. I want him to know how proud I am of him. He works hard for our little family and does so well. I am so proud of how well he is doing with school. Jason, you are the most amazing man. Your really are my best friend and the love of my life. I love you and thank you for how patient you are with me. We have seen each other through some very tough things and I am sure there are more trials to come but I want you to know that I could not ask for a better support. I cannot wait to share the rest of my life with you.

As for how we celebrated that landmark (at least to us so far) annivesary....well we were both sick. I think I had in my mind that our 5 year would be this grand celebration! Instead we both were coughing like crazy, went through at least one box of tissue EACH (easily), Jason had a fever, and we both went to bed around 6:30. Exciting. But in a strange way it was a great way to celebrate. We spent the day just us. Although very sick and not all together with it we were able to enjoy our day and not make a big deal of it. To me the best part of being married and just being with your best friend always.

There are a great many things about marriage that I think surprise me or that I never thought came with it. But I think the thing that surprised me the most is the sweet perspective it gives you on your parents (both sets of you) marriage. Mom and Dad Haws, and Mom and Dad Day both have anniversaries coming soon and I thank them both for the love and the support they continue to give us. But what I mean is I look at my parents and I think how sweet they are. I know I put them through and lot, and I know their children continue to test their limits but their love and endured it all. I love that after 26 almost 27 years my parents are still so in love and still stand by each other's side and show me what I have to look forward too. And look what came from their love.

Its funny but I want to thank both sets of our parents for how amazing they are and how they continue to teach us, ESPECIALLY for the ways they teach us with things they don't know are teaching. Also we are so happy for you all to celebrate the years you have had together, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PARENTS!!!

And Jason, I am excited to see where life takes us and Thank you for being my hero for the last 5 years! I love you!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Good Friends and Good Times...

I am officially the worst at blogging. Some day I am gonna be able to remember to update this thing more often. A lot of time has passed since my last blog.

Last Friday I got to have a girls night with some amazing friends. We went to dinner at Chilli's and had a great time (Despite the slowest server anywhere!) Then we went to Nightmare on 13th. I know your wondering why in the world we would go to a haunted house on a girls night in the middle of November??? Well a few weeks before we had gone on a group date to the haunted house, while we were there they told us that we could come back for free on November 13th. So we ditched our husbands and headed off to brave the terrifying night together. We had so much fun. It was actually really kinda scary without our husbands. I didn't realize how much I depended on Jason at these things. But we were totally brave. (Or I'm just gonna tell you that we were)

Then back to my house to play games and have drinks. (virgin of course)

I had a lot of fun and had some great conversations. It will become a regular thing we are hoping and I can't wait til the next one.